Divorce, or dissolution of marriage, is when a court declares that the marriage no longer exists. It provides for division of property and details for child custody and support, when applicable.
More than 95% of all divorces are not contested. Most partners try and settle the division of property, spousal support, and child custody either by themselves or with the help of a qualified attorney. Sometimes when problems arise, mediation is used and once agreement is reached, it is presented to a judge. If the agreement is fair to both parties, it will be approved. If an agreement cannot be reached, the court will have to decide on what is fair.
The party initiating the divorce must show grounds for divorce in the papers filed with the court. All states offer no-fault divorces and some also offer fault-based divorces, as follows:
A no-fault divorce is when neither the wife nor the husband blames the other for ending the marriage. Examples are "irreconcilable differences," or "incompatibility." Another example is when the two parties have been separated for a long period of time, this includes separate residences.
Some people are concerned that no-fault divorces can result in lower awards of property and support. In the states that allow divorces based on fault (besides no-fault), the reasons vary, as follows:
· Physical and/or mental cruelty
· Adultery
· Attempted murder
· Desertion
· Constant use of alcohol or addicted to drug
· Infection of diseases
· Insanity
· Impotency
Spouses looking for revenge could come up with more than one reason for divorce. Some spouses want to be emotionally satisfied by proving their spouse was to blame for wanting this divorce.
Seeing a marriage counselor when the marriage starts to fall apart is usually a good idea. Marriage counselors can help in many cases, but cannot save all marriages. The decision to divorce usually is not an easy one. In the end, it is based on strong emotional, feelings, logic, and intuition.
If you are considering divorce, you might want to make a list of pros and cons in the marriage. The list should include what you like or don’t like about your spouse, how it will hurt the children, financial obligations, and every-day issues. Include in this list all your future goals regarding a mate, your children, and your life. Go through this list many times and see if a divorce will enhance your life or interfere in it.
A good idea is to keep a diary on day-to-day occurrences and look at it after a couple of months to see the overall picture. Are there more bad days then good ones? Does the same thing happen over and over again? These are questions you must be able to answer to determine if divorce is necessary. These diaries can sometimes be used in court. They can also be protected under your right for privacy.
The decision of whether or not to divorce comes down to the question: "Am I better off with my spouse or without my spouse?" When answering, you must think about how your total life will be affected after the divorce, not only about your feelings towards your spouse.
If you are facing depression (not sleeping, no energy, always sad, can’t focus on daily tasks), it is probably a sign leaning towards divorce. Also, if you are frequently ill and having anxiety attacks, this also means you should consider divorce. Professional help should be considered at this time.
No communication is most often the number one problem for many couples.
· Try talking about your feelings with your spouse. Focus on each other’s feelings. Discuss what makes each of you happy and what makes each of you angry. Each person should talk for a few minutes without being interrupted.
· Sometimes, depending on how you were brought up, it is difficult to express your innermost feelings with another person. If you want your spouse to know what’s bothering you, you must communicate with each other.
· Talk nicely – no name calling, no accusing. This will not solve the problem.
· If the conversation starts heating up, leave the room, take a deep breath, take a few minutes to cool down or wait until the next day to talk again. Avoid verbal anger!
It will most probably take a long time to see what’s gone wrong. Sometimes it stems from relationships with parents at an early age. People are sometimes drawn to other people who have characteristics in common with their parents, usually the bad ones. The best reasons to get a divorce are: an abusive spouse, one who is addicted to alcohol or drugs, obsessive gambling, or mentally disturbed. Oftentimes professional help can help this marriage, but the spouse must promise to continue to get professional help until the problem goes away. Changing for a few days is not enough to save this marriage.
Next Steps
Divorce can be a complicated legal process. Each divorce is different depending on laws or issues between you and your spouse. The following gives you an idea of how to initiate a divorce and what steps to take.
1. The spouse who initiates the divorce gets a lawyer who writes up a legal document (also known as a petition or complaint) that states the reason the spouse wants a divorce, the financial settlement wanted and custody issues, if there are children involved.
2. The lawyer then files the petition with the court.
3. The lawyer arranges for the petition to be served on the other spouse. This includes a summons requesting the spouse’s response.
4. The served spouse has about three weeks to respond. The response will state if the served spouse agrees to the requests of the spouse who wants the divorce.
5. The couple with their attorneys, review information regarding property and income. With this information, the court can decide how to divide the property and how much child support and alimony should be paid.
6. Sometimes property, child issues and alimony can be resolved through mediation without spending time in the court room.